As September ushers in a new season, it feels like the right time to return to the foundations of nervous system healing.
Whether you’re new to this work or have been exploring it for a while, there’s value in revisiting the basics with fresh eyes and a curious body. This month, we’re taking a simple (but not simplistic) look at regulation, Polyvagal Theory, and co-regulation—the scaffolding of the work we do together.
Regulation Is About Flexibility
Regulation doesn’t mean always being calm—it means being able to shift between states while feeling supported and safe enough to do so.
In Somatic Experiencing, we often use the metaphor of a car to describe the nervous system. Your autonomic nervous system—the part that runs in the background—has different “gears” that help you respond to life’s challenges and rest when you need to:
Soft brakes = Ventral Vagal (rest & connect) Slow down, feel safe, and connect with others.
Gas pedal = Sympathetic (fight/flight) Mobilize to meet challenges, defend boundaries, or take action.
Emergency brake = Dorsal Vagal (freeze/shutdown) Conserve energy, disconnect, or go still when things become too overwhelming.
This is Polyvagal Theory in action, a framework developed by Dr. Stephen Porges that helps us understand how our body moves between connection, activation, and rest.
What Each Gear Feels Like in the Body (A Closer Look)
Ventral vagal (safe & social) Breathing flows easily, muscles soften, heart beats steadily. You feel grounded and able to connect clearly with others.
Sympathetic (fight or flight) Heart races, breath quickens, muscles tense, energy rushes to your limbs, digestion slows.
Dorsal vagal (freeze/shutdown) Heart rate drops low, breathing becomes shallow, body feels heavy or numb. Even simple movements may feel like they require enormous effort.
The more you notice which “gear” you’re in, the easier it becomes to support yourself in shifting—especially with the help of others.
Just like a car, our goal isn’t to stay in one gear all the time—it’s to move fluidly between them, knowing when to accelerate, when to coast, and when to pause with care.
Co-Regulation: Why We Heal in Connection
Long before we could speak, we relied on others to help us feel safe. As babies, we couldn’t regulate on our own—we depended on caregivers to soothe us with their voice, touch, presence, and rhythm.
This is co-regulation in its earliest and most essential form.
And it doesn’t stop there—our nervous systems continue to seek cues of safety in relationship. Maybe it’s a friend’s calm voice during a difficult conversation, soft eye contact, a hug, or the quiet presence of a beloved pet curled up nearby.
Co-regulation isn’t something we grow out of. It’s a biological necessity—and one of the most powerful tools for healing. It’s how we begin to learn what safety feels like in our bodies.
These moments of connection influence which “gear” we’re in—and how easily we can shift.
Gentle Reflection
Take a moment to consider:
What gear am I in most often lately—gas pedal, soft brakes, or emergency brake?
What helps me downshift when I’ve been in overdrive for too long?
What are the cues (in my body or environment) that tell me I’m safe?
These questions aren’t about getting it “right”—they’re about building awareness with curiosity, not criticism.
Final Thought
Healing doesn’t mean always feeling calm. It means learning how to shift gears with more awareness, more support, and more self-compassion.
So if you’ve been in overdrive, or stuck in shutdown, this is your invitation to soften—gently press those brakes, breathe, and remember: you don’t have to do it all alone.
Start small—maybe notice when you’re shifting gears today.
Warmly,
Lillian
