When the Lovin’ Feeling Fades

February often brings relationships into sharper focus. The world frames this month around romance—cards, gestures, expectations—but many people quietly notice something else. The Righteous Brothers had a phrase for it: “You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.”

“We love each other… but something feels off.”

“We’re functioning well, but not really feeling close.”

“Small things irritate me more than they used to.”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing.

From a nervous-system perspective, connection isn’t something we decide our way into. It’s a state—one that depends on safety, capacity, and regulation. When our systems are under-resourced, closeness can feel harder to access, even with the people we care about most.

Connection Lives in the Body

Our ability to feel warmth, curiosity, and intimacy is rooted in the ventral vagal state—the part of the nervous system associated with social engagement and connection.

In winter, that system is often taxed:

• Less light can mean lower energy and mood

• Stress and routine can narrow our emotional range

• Fatigue can show up as irritability, withdrawal, or numbness

Many couples aren’t losing love—they’re losing nervous system flexibility.

When we’re living in survival states (even subtly), connection can start to feel effortful. Touch may feel intrusive. Conversations can become transactional. Misunderstandings escalate more quickly.

This isn’t a personal failure—it’s physiology.

A Gentle Somatic Check-In

Consider:

• When your partner reaches for you, what happens in your body?

• Do you soften, brace, feel blank, or feel rushed?

• What state do you find yourself in most days lately?

There’s no right answer here. Awareness alone can create more room.

We’re Wired to Regulate Together

Humans are not meant to regulate alone. Our nervous systems are shaped by the people we’re close to—through tone of voice, facial expression, and touch. This is called co-regulation, and it’s one of the primary ways we experience safety and connection.

When co-regulation is available, closeness tends to feel natural. When it’s disrupted—by stress, exhaustion, or overload—even loving relationships can begin to feel strained or distant.

This isn’t about doing something wrong. It’s about what our bodies can access in a given moment.

Gentle Invitations for Connection

Connection doesn’t come from forcing closeness—it emerges when nervous systems feel safe enough. The suggestions below aren’t fixes, but invitations you might experiment with:

• Invite playfulness: Playfulness is often underestimated, but it’s one of the clearest signs of nervous system safety. A shared smile, gentle humor, or moment of silliness can help shift states more easily than problem-solving. If it feels available, try something small—an inside joke, a light tone, or doing something slightly out of routine together—and notice how your body responds.
• Touch without expectation:  Sit side-by-side and rest a hand on your partner’s forearm, shoulder, or back for 30–60 seconds. No talking. No problem-solving. Simply notice what happens inside.
• Back-to-back settling: Sit with your backs gently touching and breathe at your own pace for two minutes. This can support connection without the intensity of eye contact.

Losing the loving feeling doesn’t mean something is broken. The Righteous Brothers sang, "Baby, baby, I'd get down on my knees for you, if you'd only love me like you used to do"—but connection doesn't return through begging or force. 

It returns through settling, play, and shared safety. Often, it’s the nervous system quietly asking for care.

With care,

Lillian